(Save My Snack)
Kitchen…Disaster…Offense…Food…Gods…Please…Have…Mercy
Welcome roasters to another installment of Food Crimes, where we expose the culinary culprits and their heinous creations! Now, gather ’round, culinary criminals and bear witness to today’s taste bud tragedy because we’ve got a case for the ages! Today’s suspect aka Victor from South Carolina: the mastermind behind the “Bologna and Pimento Cheese Plate Sandwich” has decided to anger the Food Gods. Why, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps he’s on the losing end of a wager or maybe he’s got an insatiable appetite for ridicule today. Well, Victor, it seems the stars have aligned in your favor because I’m about to serve up exactly what you’ve ordered. Let the roasting begin!
Evidence
Exhibit A: Epic Cooking Fail That Will Leave You Speechless...
Roast
Bologna and pimento cheese – because why settle for just one processed nightmare when you can have both? Congratulations on combining two of the most questionable food choices into one unholy matrimony of mediocrity.
Oh and don’t forget the lonely slice of cheese. The lone soldier of sadness – a pitiful slice of cheese desperately clinging to life atop this monstrosity you dare call a sandwich. This cheese looks so depressed, it’s practically begging to be put out of its misery. Congratulations on creating a disaster sandwich that could make even a dumpster diver think twice. I’ve seen more appetizing things growing in forgotten tupperware containers. I’m so disgusted with you right now that I need to pray to the Food Gods.
Oh great and merciful Food Gods, I come before you today, trembling in shame to beg forgiveness for the unholy abomination that Victor have wrought upon this earth. He has committed a culinary sin of the highest order: the unholy union of bologna and pimento cheese. Please forgive his ignorance and lack of culinary vision. I beg of you in your infinite gastronomic grace, spare Victor from eternal damnation in the fiery pits of bad food hell. Amen, and pass the Pepto-Bismol.
Congrats! Your sandwich or should I say kitchen disaster is now officially a jailable offense.
Whispers: Victor come here….I need to to tell you something important.
Victor: Stares awkwardly….
Whispers: Don’t look at me like that Victor. This is all your fault. The Food Gods are not pleased at all. Your unusual palate has brought tears to the Food Gods and has summoned the unvengeful moo of justice. This udder destroyer of justice says they are waiting for you in the afterlife.
Never give up…even when your last meal looks like it lost a fight with the frying pan. Even if your meal suffered a brutal defeat against the frying pan, think of it as a learning curve. You’ll come back stronger, like a culinary Rocky Balboa! – Save My Snack
Verdict
In conclusion, while your gas station gourmet sandwich that was summoned by a Ouija Board is a culinary disaster, I still believe that there is hope for you. Consider this your culinary cease and desist: No further assaults on flavor, no abuse of taste buds, and above all, RESPECT THE SACRED BOLOGNA COW.
“The jury finds you guilty of crimes against cuisine! The sentence? Forced consumption of your own creation until you learn to appreciate the delicate balance of flavor and common decency.” Case closed!
Have your culinary exploits turned into epic disaster? Did your attempt at gourmet end up as a gourmet fail? If your cooking disasters are too hilarious to keep to yourself, email them to me at inquiry@savemysnack.com. From your burnt bread sagas to your soup that looks more like a swamp, I’m here to give your kitchen mishaps the roast they deserve. Click now and send those epic fails, and watch as your culinary catastrophe becomes comedy gold!
